The Expat Facebook Group Apocalypse

I Moved to France and Discovered the Internet’s Most Deranged Niche

I’ve been Very Online for the past several years, working in marketing and communications in public policy.

So, when I moved to France a few years ago, I joined the usual expat Facebook groups, hoping to find advice, community, and pathways to friendship. If this were a sitcom, we’d cue the laugh track.

These Facebook groups are the bowels of humanity. The dregs of the earth. A simulacrum of hell on earth. Not to be dramatic.

I’ll do my best to be Claude Lévi-Strauss here and break this down because the dynamics are weird.

Practical Advice Expat Groups: A Journey into Madness (and Civilization)

I joined these, hoping to get, welp, practical advice. But instead, I was met with fake news, alternative facts, and public shaming.

The tax groups are run by Brits. This presents the obvious problem that they are not beholden to the Franco-American tax treaty and therefore are WRONG on many issues facing Americans.

I once dared ask, “What bank do you recommend for Americans in France?” and was told, “Britline.” Or “Any bank where you can get account. Closing thread.” This is beyond unhelpful as I have illustrated here.

One woman posted an inheritance question after her father died, and an admin replied, “Question answered previously. Closing thread.” Her…father…just…died. I can only imagine the stress and pain of dealing with this only to be admonished by someone whose “favourite” hobby is shaming strangers on Facebook.

The Visa Vortex

This also provides a special portal to hell. Dick, one of the head honchos, likes to berate people for making mistakes. “I accidentally said I have two kids instead of one on the form.” Rick will often say, “I have told you time and time again to use the utmost caution when applying for a visa. This is a violation of your signed contract to respect French law.”

Lovely.

When I asked a question about my visa application and civil marriage—which is literally what it is called—he said, “You keep saying civil marriage, which could be perceived as suspicious immigration and a violation of laïcité [secularism].”

For starters, France’s laws around separation of church and state are clear and a deeply held cultural value. Accusing someone publicly of violating or disrespecting those is serious.

We Deserve Better

These groups are flooded with tens of thousands of Anglophones looking to make their way to France or who have already arrived and have questions.

Now, to be clear, some of them are idiots, and I have little sympathy for those who blatantly flout French immigration, try to pull lil’ tricks with taxes, or come here for “free” IVF—yes, I’ve seen those posts.

BUT there are far more people like myself or you who have a question that may be simplistic, but it is important, and they deserve an answer.

What you really want to type in the comments is: “If you don’t like it, then leave.” “Why are you getting advice from internet strangers anyway? Lol.” As strange as it may sound, when you move abroad there are few informational resources. So people turn to parasocial groups for support. In theory, it’s a good idea. In practice: ad reducto ad psychotic.

Which brings us to social groups.

These groups are for women, both genders, or generally for people who want to share information and connect over living in France or fantasizing about life in France.

Social Groups Cirque De Soleil

These groups are for sharing info and fantasizing about life in France. It is best illustrated through examples.

“Hi, mom of a 5 yr old here. Just moved from New Jersey. Anyone know where to find peanut butter?”

• LOL it’s called Nutella.

• La Grande Epicerie (Zabar’s-level expensive, and no, people who suggest shopping there don’t live here).

• My kid has a peanut allergy. This is disrespectful to the peanut allergy community.

• Why did you even move here?

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“Hey! I work in digital ads in NYC and want to move to France to escape fascism. Any visa advice?”

• Do you speak French? No, but I’ve worked in ads for 20 years!

• LOL I hate Trump too.

• Yes, France is better—there’s no racism.

• #freepalestine

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“Single mom of two kids with autism. Moved to Bordeaux. It’s not working out. Anyone moved back home?”

• Why did you move here?

• Stay. There's a dictator in the US.

• Have you even tried to integrate?

• You might be killed upon returning under the Trump regime. USE CAUTION.

I created the below taxonomy for these weirdos.

Taxonomy of the Facebook Freaks

Lonely and Bored

These people are, as the name suggests, lonely and bored. They are miserable and isolated in France, and they may not even know it. They clickety-clack their keyboards all day—probably with few friends (it is very hard making friends in a new country).

You are the receptacle for their anger and rage.

I genuinely feel bad for some of them because it is so hard in a new country. Anyone who tells you otherwise is lying to themselves and to you.

Don’t Live in France

A lot of people in life-abroad Facebook groups or Substacks don’t even live in the country they talk about.

Be careful with these, because they often know just enough to be dangerous. They travel to France, maybe spent a lot of time here, or are here on a one-year visa.

This demographic fantasizes about the Parisian Dream, but they don’t live the reality. So when they berate someone for saying, “Hey, I can’t find a good SoulCycle-type place,” they are angry that you are puncturing their fantasy, so they take it out on you.

Others are voyeurs—crashing expat-in-France social media is a chance for them to peer into the toile-curtained lives of those living what they wish they had. Again, saying something unpleasant or voicing displeasure at something French is an affront to their dream of a life in a gorgeous 19th-century apartment overlooking Les Invalides, two-hour wine lunches, and eating nothing but croissants while still weighing 90 lbs.

If you ask them, “Where can I buy a white t-shirt?” they will reply, “Le Bon Marché,” as if it is literally the only store that sells clothes. That is the equivalent of telling someone the only place to buy a t-shirt is Saks Fifth Avenue.

I couldn’t imagine spending my one life on this beautiful blue-and-green planet playing pretend on Facebook. But, FarmVille and SimCity were extremely popular.

Integration Thirst Traps

Sometimes called Expat Pick-Mes. They might be the most deplorable, but it’s a three-way tie, honestly.

These people have likely just arrived or perhaps lived here a long time. Their entire identity as an American in France is anchored to hating the US and loving France.

They believe that integrating into French life means loving secondhand smoke, dog poop on sidewalks, and metro strikes because—don’t you know—the French like this. It’s FRANCE, dahling. It’s chic!

They deride anyone who misses home or likes American food or movies. This is extremely dumb because most of planet Earth likes a good Hollywood film.

They reinforce their identity by judging and publicly berating those who do not live up to their arbitrary standard of “AmeriKKKa bad, France good.”

This may be called the zeal of the convert, identity transformation, or role exit. The individual joins a new group and actively rejects the old one as a way of reinforcing the new identity.

These three types scour Facebook and Substack sometimes, looking for prey. An unsuspecting new arrival on whom they can unleash their torrent of rage.

The Solution?

Touch grass.
Log out of Facebook.
Join a local association.
Take a workout class.

Get kicked out of a book club like I did.

Subscribe to The Marketing Memo. ← For my real job

I moved across the Atlantic and learned that the internet can bring out the worst in us.

Now that I’m here, I want real life, not 1s and 0s, to bring out the best in me.

Updated 7/7:

Nathalie Martinek PhD

, who writes about relational dynamics, wrote an excellent article, Envy: Human Status Games. The article unpacks why people behave poorly online and elsewhere and why most often the comments that give us the “ick” are the worst. Check this out if you want to understand negative interactions online and IRL.

Title: Glass Fragment of a Devil, Date: 1200–1215, Culture: French, Credit Line: Gift of George D. Pratt, 1930, Courtesy of the Metropolitan Museum of Art’s Open Access

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